I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
