I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Everything about him screamed your future.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
