Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
