You really coming over, don't trick.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
