it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
