Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
