My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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