So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
