i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
