i dedicated my morning wood to you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
