I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
