I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
