Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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