this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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