Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
