I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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