i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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