ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
