I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
