He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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