You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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