dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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