sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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