yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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