my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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