I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
