Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
it was like eating out sand paper
nutella sex= disaster
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
