I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
