then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
