I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
