I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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