what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
