I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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