Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
