is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
