Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
