saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
