Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
