Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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