It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
