I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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