there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
We are all done wearing pants today
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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