I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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