so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
