Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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