maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
