this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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