if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
