What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
