Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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